I was awake in the early hours of this morning & started thinking about how many triggers I’ve had of late. Never a good thing to start thinking at 4am but I couldn’t switch off. I came to the conclusion that I had enough in my head to write a blog post.
I had to stop myself from getting up and writing it all down there & then. When’s there’s so much in my head I know it’s time to off load, I’m not always comfortable dishing it out to friends so here we are putting pen to paper..well, of sorts.
Grief pops up with no warning mostly, a photograph, a song (can you believe both songs played at my dad’s funeral were on the radio within days of ech other), random thoughts, on other occasions I can feel it coming. Sometimes I try to stop it but I know it’s best to let it flow. One of the ones I was expecting was end of term blues. My daughter ended her primary school years this summer. Having to say goodbye to her teachers was always tough, but they’d been particularly supportive these past 12 months. Writing their cards was a bit a bit more of just a thankyou for me. They all knew about my dad, what we were going through & that if Ava found it too much they gave her support & the space she needed. She had art therapy which she loved, it really helped her. The art teacher has known her since she went to playgroups & she told me that it was a big deal for me, I knew what she meant. So, that was a biggy, a tough year six but also a good year six. I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I’d be on the day, to the huge relief of my daughter!
Saying goodbye to my friend in Penzance and also to her parents that were staying was a moment too. I heard her mum say she didn’t know if she’d see us again, not that we would really but just the thought of it. Little things like that just get me.
Another trigger was when my girl tried on her new secondary school uniform. My first thought was so overwhelming. I just about held it together, I dont want exciting moments to be dampened by my tears. It’s just that my Dad would have absolutely loved to have seen her all grown up & smart. I would have loved for him to see her. God, that was a killer. Still is.
Facebook….those ‘on this day’ memories jump out at you & just hit you where it hurts, so unexpected, lovely to see, but I’d like a warning first please FB, something like, ‘how are you feeling today Suzanne? We are just going to knock you off your feet for a moment!’
Even going away for the weekend, which is now something I don’t have to think twice about. I still pause, think of Dad, just for a fraction of a second, then think no, I don’t have to worry.
Triggers, they come in all shapes & sizes, all colours & shades.
Do you have triggers? Do you ignore them or let them get you? I do both, there are times when I really don’t want to be sad, just switch off from it, so I think it’s ok to avoid them then, if possible. Also you do learn to deal with them, or try to make it a happy trigger & laugh through the tears, find the funny side to the sadness.
At the end of the day, just thinking about my dad is the trigger that won’t ever go away. Over time I know the pain will lessen little by little, that I’ll be able to think about him without tears in my eyes, but for now the grieving process goes on.